The Heat Is On

I hate summer.

I hate being hot.

Wearing clothes that are comfortable for the sake of the heat, but show my arms and legs and aren't exactly "cute"
Tying my hair up and away from my face to keep it from sticking to my sweaty neck and forehead
And sweating... oh god... sweating profusely in public while other girls wearing much more fashionable clothes and have their hair down and dance and run and remain dry... it's not fair!!!

I spent the weekend at an outdoor music festival and I kept hearing myself say "It's not fair"

It's not fair...

It's not fair that I have struggled with my weight since puberty
It's not fair that I have always felt like I was surrounded by friends and family that are thin and beautiful (not saying no one had struggles too... but, not the same magnitude as me, perhaps?)
It's not fair that I hated high school, pool parties, outdoor events, shorts, sundresses, the sun, the entire outside since grade 8 because I thought I was "too fat" to fit in with others...

The last time I remember being outside in summer and being happy was when I was twelve... then one of the girls at school said I had big thighs... and it sometimes feels like that moment started this whole effing snowball... and then, hearing "it's not fair" answered with "life's not fair" and, basically, "it's your fault"... How could I stand against that?

So I made a way to stay off the ground... and how's that working for me?

I am so tired of this crutch... this tirade of thinking that making things fair means making deals with myself like, "I can do ___ when I'm thin":

"I'll dress more fashionably and buy better quality clothing when I reach my goal weight, so Old Navy is fine, for now"
                     I've worn Old Navy, almost exclusively, since 1995
"I'll have such a nice garden when I'm not embarrassed to be in crawling around in the yard"
                    I've never had a garden and I've had a yard of some sort for most of my adult life
"I'll wait to think about starting a family until I've dropped about 50 lbs"
                    Speaking of adult life, I'm 35 years old so... technically, time's running out on this one

Looking back on the big weight loss attempts of the last 10 years has me thinking, "what is it going to take to stop gaining 5-10 lbs a year and start losing the weight?"

I feel like I have made huge strides in the way of permanent change with my relationship to food in the last few weeks, and I know I have room to improve when it comes to being active, but I've been here before... and I am looking forward to a day where I can complain about something other than how my weight affects whatever situation I happen to be experiencing at the time. :)

I can only hold on to hope that this time is different because it does feel very different. It will be slow, but steady and I believe, for me, that is how to make it through to the finish line and stay on that side of the tape.

It's a marathon... and it's going to take a lot more sweat...

On the Next Train

When I get on something I am ON it... until it gets hard.

I start playing video games and quit after the first few levels because it got really difficult to jump faster over the little turtles or avoid the poison gas while running up and down concrete blocks even though I know I will get tired of the simple puzzles and training modes at the beginning and never want to play.

I start organizing the excess junk in my closet or basement and quit when I get overwhelmed by the number of different categories everything falls into and how to get those items in the same place and just want to throw it all out, even though I know I will need one of those things in a matter of weeks and will save a lot of time and frustration if I know all of the doodads are in the blue tote and all of the widgets are in the green one.

I start a fitness routine and quit when it starts to make me sweaty or sore and complain or slightly exaggerate injury to avoid returning to the gym as long as I can until, eventually, I just stop altogether, even though I know staying on ramp (at the beginner's level) would get boring and that my body gets used to activities and movements and will not get stronger without pushing it harder.

I start making really healthy and good tasting meals at home and quit when it gets harder to make something different because you have to find the spices in the market, or mince the parsley yourself (fresh just tastes better, amiright?), or take time from watching TV to prep and package lunches even though I know I save money, have a way better understanding of what is in my food/body, and seem to just melt away in the first month of cooking at home compared to my clothes feeling gradually tighter when I go to restaurants for lunch or grab carry out for dinner each day.

I start writing blogs about my health goals and quit when I see the scale inching up because I don't want anyone that happens to read these to know specifics on how I failed this time, even though I know I would have been helped a lot to know what circumstances lead to me not getting in any better shape for my wedding when I had 10 months to prepare.

So I am just putting it all out there now. I welcome advice, warnings, suggestions and encouragement. I have always struggled with letting people be a part of my life and letting them see what is going on in my head. It was very important for me to think that other thought I was cool and in control, but I would like to change that. It's not to depend on anyone, but to feel the sense of community and support and to be okay with admitting I do not have everything in control.

Real quick brag before I go:
I am sticking with Monday Bootcamp and am only a little sore today. I also made all of my meals last week and am on track to do the same this week, and I made the most delicious breakfast bars ever, made pasta and pretzel bread from scratch to freeze to keep consumption in moderation, and made really good quinoa oatmeal that I portioned and froze to grab when there isn't time in the AM to cook eggs.

I'm going to update this each week so I can keep a record and make adjustments if I fall back into old patterns.


Ramble On,
Mel

eleven

Today was a whirlwind of cooking, sneezing, hanging up pictures over Bryan's, back pain, and mood swings. 

Yes folks, it's that time where chocolate becomes the only cure for my ills, and I can't have any... 

Here's what I DID eat though:

Breakfast

Scrambled Eggs w/Grilled Onions & Fresh Organic Roma Tomato Slices and Red Grapes and a Banana (decaf coffee too)

This was a good hearty breakfast that didn't leave me feeling like crud. 

Lunch

Salisbury Steak w/Onions & Peppers

The Paleo recipe I tried called for spinach to be mixed into the meat, but I had kale. It turned out very good. I had enough to freeze for another day, but I would make this again too.

Dinner

Cumin Spiced Pulled Pork w/Shredded Cabbage & Pickles

The cost of the organic, grass fed, pork shoulder was money well spent with this recipe. It was so tender and spicy! I will omit the mushrooms next time because YUCK! I like to try new recipes as close to script as possible the first time, plus Bryan likes mushrooms, so I left 'em in this time.

I'm now quite tired and still very cranky thanks to all the friggin' dishes I had to wash all day... I'll probably go to bed early to try to sleep off this crap attitude.