Who's the Boss?

There is an entire society going on in my head... possibly closer to a global political structure. I have a group of sub-personalities deciding on, and implementing, policies to create an ideal environment of existence and a small, but persistent faction working against being told what to do in favor of complete freedom without regard to consequence.I would say I have my very own Israel and Palestine, but that's a bit severe and there actually is a side that is 100% right in my head (the left side, ha ha). I can say, at least, that the unconscious struggle resembles an average city council meeting. No way to please everyone, so everyone is equally disappointed... I feel like this is so freaking stupid, but I also feel like I am not alone in this analogy.

Each year, many of us make, and just as easily break, resolutions for a healthier lifestyle. Many of us make sweeping and unrealistic declarations of all of the changes we will make with no plan or understanding of the limited amount of willpower we are afforded in a day, week, month or year. Never have I, personally, been successful at keeping a single resolution, mainly because I have always made so many of them at once, and also because I didn't understand how change actually works. My conscious gets confused by all of the rules and my subconscious (the small faction that fights my logical side for freedom from structure) gets to creep in and slowly slide all the pieces back to where they were.

So, for real change, what can we do? I can't get behind the "small, lasting changes" idea enough. Beginning an initiative by saying, "I can't eat fast food ever again" or, "I have to workout 7 times a week" almost certainly will end in failure before you know it. What I am finding effective is saying something more like this, "I would like to feel better about what I eat so, if I must eat fast food in the next year, I could have Wendy's or Taco Bell, but only one item and don't be an idiot" and, "I would like to be stronger, so I will go to Boot Camp class every Monday until I can get all the way through without being cripplingly sore for days afterward." (For the workout resolution, there is room to grow. I can add Friday's class after I can get a grip on a once a week plan, then go on Wednesday too once I've got Friday's under control too. There is no "have to" involved.)

The small changes I have made, so far, have been working. I am making nearly all Breakfasts, Lunches, and Dinners Monday - Friday and am keeping my whits about me when I go out to eat. If I order something less healthy, I consciously eat less than I normally would unconsciously. I always need a box now, and that's serious progress for me. Also, I am choosing to take part in conversation over putting more food in my face, so that's helping too. The workout plan is going to take some time. I have been getting dizzy and losing my breath the last few times I have gone. I know it will get better when there is literally less of me to move around and I am going to make sure I eat an apple on the way to class from now on to see if a little healthy carbohydrate boost will help keep the spins at bay.

I have a long way to go... very long, but my logical side is still the boss and the scale is showing that small, lasting changes are an effective way to reach my goals. 

Now, I need to stop buying so many new clothes before I make my tailor a millionaire!

Ramble On,

Mel

On the Next Train

When I get on something I am ON it... until it gets hard.

I start playing video games and quit after the first few levels because it got really difficult to jump faster over the little turtles or avoid the poison gas while running up and down concrete blocks even though I know I will get tired of the simple puzzles and training modes at the beginning and never want to play.

I start organizing the excess junk in my closet or basement and quit when I get overwhelmed by the number of different categories everything falls into and how to get those items in the same place and just want to throw it all out, even though I know I will need one of those things in a matter of weeks and will save a lot of time and frustration if I know all of the doodads are in the blue tote and all of the widgets are in the green one.

I start a fitness routine and quit when it starts to make me sweaty or sore and complain or slightly exaggerate injury to avoid returning to the gym as long as I can until, eventually, I just stop altogether, even though I know staying on ramp (at the beginner's level) would get boring and that my body gets used to activities and movements and will not get stronger without pushing it harder.

I start making really healthy and good tasting meals at home and quit when it gets harder to make something different because you have to find the spices in the market, or mince the parsley yourself (fresh just tastes better, amiright?), or take time from watching TV to prep and package lunches even though I know I save money, have a way better understanding of what is in my food/body, and seem to just melt away in the first month of cooking at home compared to my clothes feeling gradually tighter when I go to restaurants for lunch or grab carry out for dinner each day.

I start writing blogs about my health goals and quit when I see the scale inching up because I don't want anyone that happens to read these to know specifics on how I failed this time, even though I know I would have been helped a lot to know what circumstances lead to me not getting in any better shape for my wedding when I had 10 months to prepare.

So I am just putting it all out there now. I welcome advice, warnings, suggestions and encouragement. I have always struggled with letting people be a part of my life and letting them see what is going on in my head. It was very important for me to think that other thought I was cool and in control, but I would like to change that. It's not to depend on anyone, but to feel the sense of community and support and to be okay with admitting I do not have everything in control.

Real quick brag before I go:
I am sticking with Monday Bootcamp and am only a little sore today. I also made all of my meals last week and am on track to do the same this week, and I made the most delicious breakfast bars ever, made pasta and pretzel bread from scratch to freeze to keep consumption in moderation, and made really good quinoa oatmeal that I portioned and froze to grab when there isn't time in the AM to cook eggs.

I'm going to update this each week so I can keep a record and make adjustments if I fall back into old patterns.


Ramble On,
Mel

Keep Getting Back Up!

For all my inner fighting and minor victories, I was KO'd by another 1.8 lbs over the course of the last week.

I'm pissed.

I ate a poached egg and a toasted english muffin at Mae's instead of one of their cheesy, delicious looking omelets thinking I was doing so well.
I'm sure the giant forkful of Nutella stuffed crepes didn't help the cause, but I remain pissed nonetheless.

I retaliated (against who?) last night and ate a cheesy, baconey, chicken club with french fries at Bob Evan's... and immediately felt sick and nauseated.

I'm back to writing everything down again, but I refuse to be happy about it! :)

It's very easy for me to get off track when I pretend there isn't a track at all... weird.

This week I am writing down every bite, taste, pinch, spoon and bit of food that I eat and using the Weight Watchers system to a T...

There is no quitting, there's no giving up, there's no lying down in the face of a fight. Goal #1 is still in the works and I will achieve it.

10lbs total and/or 5% down by next week. That's a 2.2 - 4.2 lb goal.

Wish me willpower!