I hate summer.
I hate being hot.
Wearing clothes that are comfortable for the sake of the heat, but show my arms and legs and aren't exactly "cute"
Tying my hair up and away from my face to keep it from sticking to my sweaty neck and forehead
And sweating... oh god... sweating profusely in public while other girls wearing much more fashionable clothes and have their hair down and dance and run and remain dry... it's not fair!!!
I spent the weekend at an outdoor music festival and I kept hearing myself say "It's not fair"
It's not fair...
It's not fair that I have struggled with my weight since puberty
It's not fair that I have always felt like I was surrounded by friends and family that are thin and beautiful (not saying no one had struggles too... but, not the same magnitude as me, perhaps?)
It's not fair that I hated high school, pool parties, outdoor events, shorts, sundresses, the sun, the entire outside since grade 8 because I thought I was "too fat" to fit in with others...
The last time I remember being outside in summer and being happy was when I was twelve... then one of the girls at school said I had big thighs... and it sometimes feels like that moment started this whole effing snowball... and then, hearing "it's not fair" answered with "life's not fair" and, basically, "it's your fault"... How could I stand against that?
So I made a way to stay off the ground... and how's that working for me?
I am so tired of this crutch... this tirade of thinking that making things fair means making deals with myself like, "I can do ___ when I'm thin":
"I'll dress more fashionably and buy better quality clothing when I reach my goal weight, so Old Navy is fine, for now"
I've worn Old Navy, almost exclusively, since 1995
"I'll have such a nice garden when I'm not embarrassed to be in crawling around in the yard"
I've never had a garden and I've had a yard of some sort for most of my adult life
"I'll wait to think about starting a family until I've dropped about 50 lbs"
Speaking of adult life, I'm 35 years old so... technically, time's running out on this one
Looking back on the big weight loss attempts of the last 10 years has me thinking, "what is it going to take to stop gaining 5-10 lbs a year and start losing the weight?"
I feel like I have made huge strides in the way of permanent change with my relationship to food in the last few weeks, and I know I have room to improve when it comes to being active, but I've been here before... and I am looking forward to a day where I can complain about something other than how my weight affects whatever situation I happen to be experiencing at the time. :)
I can only hold on to hope that this time is different because it does feel very different. It will be slow, but steady and I believe, for me, that is how to make it through to the finish line and stay on that side of the tape.
It's a marathon... and it's going to take a lot more sweat...
