Light As A Feather

After a less than awesome weekend, I felt that I was in need of a hot bath and a good cry last night... Instead I stayed up too late making pasta... (The rule is: If I want pasta for dinner I must make it myself.)

A lot of things are up in the air right now and I just want to feel my feet on solid ground for more than a minute...The more personal side of life should level off soon, but I really want something to be constant and unchanging... huh... I just answered my own unasked question... I need to get my butt back in church... Jesus is the epitome of constant and unchanging.

Quick digression: why, when you're upset and feeling lost, do people think it helps to say "everyone has problems" to comfort you? The high probability that everyone goes through tough times pretty regularly is not comforting at all, because I'm not everyone... for all I know the other people in my life are just in my head and I'm actually strapped to a chair somewhere in a space castle while more advanced beings watch my hallucinations projected on a screen like prime-time TV. TNT Mel Knows Drama... Well, that was a much longer and much weirder digression than I intended... oops!

In good news, it has been almost a month into 2015 and I have stuck to my "Cooking Monday through Friday" guns. I'm really loving this... I'm making tons of new recipes and learning a lot of new cuisines and techniques. Tonight is Thai; Pad See Ew (not yucky like the name suggests... it means "cooked in soy sauce") with fresh, homemade noodles!

Boot camp finally came around to my biggest fear... and the deadlifts I was so afraid of were stupid easy. This is probably because my only muscles happen to be the giant ones in my legs... At any rate,  the girls in my group were shaking like little chihuahuas in the snow as they lifted, but they said I lifted the 95 lb bar like it was a feather.

I really like the strength part of boot camp. Now I just need to figure out how to breathe better so I don't feel like passing out during cardio. I'm making incremental progress and think I am still on track to add Friday's class by April or sooner.

The best part of all of my struggles to stick to the plan is that it is working without feeling like much work. My clothes are starting to fit better, I feel stronger, and I don't feel like I'm missing any of my favorite flavors and textures in my meals. I even had pizza over the weekend and anyone that knows Detroit style pizza knows there's no healthy way to make the doughy, cheesy, greasy goodness. I had a small bowl of cereal for breakfast in the morning and saved my stomach real estate for a ton of salad and a piece and a half of the deliciousness that is Buddy's Margherita pizza and that was brunch... Since that was pretty filling, dinner was a little piece of veal from Saturday's leftovers. Normally I would have loaded on eggs, bacon & potatoes for breakfast, eaten pizza until I burst for lunch, and then forced another full meal down for dinner. Being more aware of my hunger signals and going into the war zone restaurant with a game plan helped a lot. 

Hooray for small, sustainable, permanent changes, ya'll!

Ramble On,

Melissa

Who's the Boss?

There is an entire society going on in my head... possibly closer to a global political structure. I have a group of sub-personalities deciding on, and implementing, policies to create an ideal environment of existence and a small, but persistent faction working against being told what to do in favor of complete freedom without regard to consequence.I would say I have my very own Israel and Palestine, but that's a bit severe and there actually is a side that is 100% right in my head (the left side, ha ha). I can say, at least, that the unconscious struggle resembles an average city council meeting. No way to please everyone, so everyone is equally disappointed... I feel like this is so freaking stupid, but I also feel like I am not alone in this analogy.

Each year, many of us make, and just as easily break, resolutions for a healthier lifestyle. Many of us make sweeping and unrealistic declarations of all of the changes we will make with no plan or understanding of the limited amount of willpower we are afforded in a day, week, month or year. Never have I, personally, been successful at keeping a single resolution, mainly because I have always made so many of them at once, and also because I didn't understand how change actually works. My conscious gets confused by all of the rules and my subconscious (the small faction that fights my logical side for freedom from structure) gets to creep in and slowly slide all the pieces back to where they were.

So, for real change, what can we do? I can't get behind the "small, lasting changes" idea enough. Beginning an initiative by saying, "I can't eat fast food ever again" or, "I have to workout 7 times a week" almost certainly will end in failure before you know it. What I am finding effective is saying something more like this, "I would like to feel better about what I eat so, if I must eat fast food in the next year, I could have Wendy's or Taco Bell, but only one item and don't be an idiot" and, "I would like to be stronger, so I will go to Boot Camp class every Monday until I can get all the way through without being cripplingly sore for days afterward." (For the workout resolution, there is room to grow. I can add Friday's class after I can get a grip on a once a week plan, then go on Wednesday too once I've got Friday's under control too. There is no "have to" involved.)

The small changes I have made, so far, have been working. I am making nearly all Breakfasts, Lunches, and Dinners Monday - Friday and am keeping my whits about me when I go out to eat. If I order something less healthy, I consciously eat less than I normally would unconsciously. I always need a box now, and that's serious progress for me. Also, I am choosing to take part in conversation over putting more food in my face, so that's helping too. The workout plan is going to take some time. I have been getting dizzy and losing my breath the last few times I have gone. I know it will get better when there is literally less of me to move around and I am going to make sure I eat an apple on the way to class from now on to see if a little healthy carbohydrate boost will help keep the spins at bay.

I have a long way to go... very long, but my logical side is still the boss and the scale is showing that small, lasting changes are an effective way to reach my goals. 

Now, I need to stop buying so many new clothes before I make my tailor a millionaire!

Ramble On,

Mel

On the Next Train

When I get on something I am ON it... until it gets hard.

I start playing video games and quit after the first few levels because it got really difficult to jump faster over the little turtles or avoid the poison gas while running up and down concrete blocks even though I know I will get tired of the simple puzzles and training modes at the beginning and never want to play.

I start organizing the excess junk in my closet or basement and quit when I get overwhelmed by the number of different categories everything falls into and how to get those items in the same place and just want to throw it all out, even though I know I will need one of those things in a matter of weeks and will save a lot of time and frustration if I know all of the doodads are in the blue tote and all of the widgets are in the green one.

I start a fitness routine and quit when it starts to make me sweaty or sore and complain or slightly exaggerate injury to avoid returning to the gym as long as I can until, eventually, I just stop altogether, even though I know staying on ramp (at the beginner's level) would get boring and that my body gets used to activities and movements and will not get stronger without pushing it harder.

I start making really healthy and good tasting meals at home and quit when it gets harder to make something different because you have to find the spices in the market, or mince the parsley yourself (fresh just tastes better, amiright?), or take time from watching TV to prep and package lunches even though I know I save money, have a way better understanding of what is in my food/body, and seem to just melt away in the first month of cooking at home compared to my clothes feeling gradually tighter when I go to restaurants for lunch or grab carry out for dinner each day.

I start writing blogs about my health goals and quit when I see the scale inching up because I don't want anyone that happens to read these to know specifics on how I failed this time, even though I know I would have been helped a lot to know what circumstances lead to me not getting in any better shape for my wedding when I had 10 months to prepare.

So I am just putting it all out there now. I welcome advice, warnings, suggestions and encouragement. I have always struggled with letting people be a part of my life and letting them see what is going on in my head. It was very important for me to think that other thought I was cool and in control, but I would like to change that. It's not to depend on anyone, but to feel the sense of community and support and to be okay with admitting I do not have everything in control.

Real quick brag before I go:
I am sticking with Monday Bootcamp and am only a little sore today. I also made all of my meals last week and am on track to do the same this week, and I made the most delicious breakfast bars ever, made pasta and pretzel bread from scratch to freeze to keep consumption in moderation, and made really good quinoa oatmeal that I portioned and froze to grab when there isn't time in the AM to cook eggs.

I'm going to update this each week so I can keep a record and make adjustments if I fall back into old patterns.


Ramble On,
Mel

2015...

Optimism does not come easy these days.

It is January 4th 2015 and I weigh more than I have ever weighed in my life. Shortly before the new year; I began a new marriage (I love you Bryan), a new job (Rain Marketing is awesone) and a new fitness regiment (bootcamp/crossfit kicks my ass)... despite all of that good, I still have made no permanent progress with my food addiction.

This year I will do my best to make only small and sustainable changes toward a healthy way of eating.

January goals:
Cook/make everything I eat Monday - Friday.
Attend every Monday bootcamp (add Wednesday when I am no longer sore after Monday's class).
Keep my head when eating out on Saturdays & Sundays.

I get tired of making these sweeping declarations only to feel the sting of failure when re-reading, so I'm keeping this short.