Taking a New Approach

I am Melissa. I'm from the suburbs of Detroit, but that's not what this is about.

I am in my 30's, have a husband named Bryan. We have no kids and are not sure if we want to be parents, but that's not what this is about

I work in an office. My coworkers are nice. We sometimes complain about our jobs, even though we all secretly like our jobs, but that's not what this is about.

What this IS about :

I am 100+ pounds overweight, and have carried it around for about 20 years. I want to lose weight to be healthier and more able to keep up with activities and sweat less at outdoor events in summer, but have a very hard time with being told what to do...

I have decided to be a better feminist and am working on my confidence. I aim to be better at asking for/and getting what I want and want to take a more active role in my life... 

I'm in search of the combination of personal growth needed for breaking out of what is expected of a fat woman, and still doing the best I can to take care of myself and my health. My biggest hurdle is feeling invisible, ignored, disregarded... Somewhere I learned the consensus is that my opinion doesn't matter as much as a man's or as much as women who are thinner and more fit. I have felt like other's cannot hear me when I speak because they don't see me... I blend into the background... weighing more than the average woman makes me feel less worthy of acknowledgment. My role in this is that I hide in corners, take up as little space as possible by folding my arms and legs, and I speak in low, mumbled, quiet tones...

These are huge issues to tackle worldwide, but it will take individuals taking action in their own minds and families and communities to work together to find a better way. So it starts with me, here, complaining about the "fitness" industry, "diets", and what the TV says I should be...

Welcome to my ramblings...

Ramble On...
-Mel

Light As A Feather

After a less than awesome weekend, I felt that I was in need of a hot bath and a good cry last night... Instead I stayed up too late making pasta... (The rule is: If I want pasta for dinner I must make it myself.)

A lot of things are up in the air right now and I just want to feel my feet on solid ground for more than a minute...The more personal side of life should level off soon, but I really want something to be constant and unchanging... huh... I just answered my own unasked question... I need to get my butt back in church... Jesus is the epitome of constant and unchanging.

Quick digression: why, when you're upset and feeling lost, do people think it helps to say "everyone has problems" to comfort you? The high probability that everyone goes through tough times pretty regularly is not comforting at all, because I'm not everyone... for all I know the other people in my life are just in my head and I'm actually strapped to a chair somewhere in a space castle while more advanced beings watch my hallucinations projected on a screen like prime-time TV. TNT Mel Knows Drama... Well, that was a much longer and much weirder digression than I intended... oops!

In good news, it has been almost a month into 2015 and I have stuck to my "Cooking Monday through Friday" guns. I'm really loving this... I'm making tons of new recipes and learning a lot of new cuisines and techniques. Tonight is Thai; Pad See Ew (not yucky like the name suggests... it means "cooked in soy sauce") with fresh, homemade noodles!

Boot camp finally came around to my biggest fear... and the deadlifts I was so afraid of were stupid easy. This is probably because my only muscles happen to be the giant ones in my legs... At any rate,  the girls in my group were shaking like little chihuahuas in the snow as they lifted, but they said I lifted the 95 lb bar like it was a feather.

I really like the strength part of boot camp. Now I just need to figure out how to breathe better so I don't feel like passing out during cardio. I'm making incremental progress and think I am still on track to add Friday's class by April or sooner.

The best part of all of my struggles to stick to the plan is that it is working without feeling like much work. My clothes are starting to fit better, I feel stronger, and I don't feel like I'm missing any of my favorite flavors and textures in my meals. I even had pizza over the weekend and anyone that knows Detroit style pizza knows there's no healthy way to make the doughy, cheesy, greasy goodness. I had a small bowl of cereal for breakfast in the morning and saved my stomach real estate for a ton of salad and a piece and a half of the deliciousness that is Buddy's Margherita pizza and that was brunch... Since that was pretty filling, dinner was a little piece of veal from Saturday's leftovers. Normally I would have loaded on eggs, bacon & potatoes for breakfast, eaten pizza until I burst for lunch, and then forced another full meal down for dinner. Being more aware of my hunger signals and going into the war zone restaurant with a game plan helped a lot. 

Hooray for small, sustainable, permanent changes, ya'll!

Ramble On,

Melissa

Who's the Boss?

There is an entire society going on in my head... possibly closer to a global political structure. I have a group of sub-personalities deciding on, and implementing, policies to create an ideal environment of existence and a small, but persistent faction working against being told what to do in favor of complete freedom without regard to consequence.I would say I have my very own Israel and Palestine, but that's a bit severe and there actually is a side that is 100% right in my head (the left side, ha ha). I can say, at least, that the unconscious struggle resembles an average city council meeting. No way to please everyone, so everyone is equally disappointed... I feel like this is so freaking stupid, but I also feel like I am not alone in this analogy.

Each year, many of us make, and just as easily break, resolutions for a healthier lifestyle. Many of us make sweeping and unrealistic declarations of all of the changes we will make with no plan or understanding of the limited amount of willpower we are afforded in a day, week, month or year. Never have I, personally, been successful at keeping a single resolution, mainly because I have always made so many of them at once, and also because I didn't understand how change actually works. My conscious gets confused by all of the rules and my subconscious (the small faction that fights my logical side for freedom from structure) gets to creep in and slowly slide all the pieces back to where they were.

So, for real change, what can we do? I can't get behind the "small, lasting changes" idea enough. Beginning an initiative by saying, "I can't eat fast food ever again" or, "I have to workout 7 times a week" almost certainly will end in failure before you know it. What I am finding effective is saying something more like this, "I would like to feel better about what I eat so, if I must eat fast food in the next year, I could have Wendy's or Taco Bell, but only one item and don't be an idiot" and, "I would like to be stronger, so I will go to Boot Camp class every Monday until I can get all the way through without being cripplingly sore for days afterward." (For the workout resolution, there is room to grow. I can add Friday's class after I can get a grip on a once a week plan, then go on Wednesday too once I've got Friday's under control too. There is no "have to" involved.)

The small changes I have made, so far, have been working. I am making nearly all Breakfasts, Lunches, and Dinners Monday - Friday and am keeping my whits about me when I go out to eat. If I order something less healthy, I consciously eat less than I normally would unconsciously. I always need a box now, and that's serious progress for me. Also, I am choosing to take part in conversation over putting more food in my face, so that's helping too. The workout plan is going to take some time. I have been getting dizzy and losing my breath the last few times I have gone. I know it will get better when there is literally less of me to move around and I am going to make sure I eat an apple on the way to class from now on to see if a little healthy carbohydrate boost will help keep the spins at bay.

I have a long way to go... very long, but my logical side is still the boss and the scale is showing that small, lasting changes are an effective way to reach my goals. 

Now, I need to stop buying so many new clothes before I make my tailor a millionaire!

Ramble On,

Mel