I Only Need Several Plastic Surgeries and I'll Be Perfect!

Forgive me reader... blah blah blah... It has been five years since my last confession blog post...

I started this blog for accountability related to my weight loss goals (which I will spoil now, have not been met). I attempted to evolve to a diary format about events and experiences in my life beyond how chubby my face looked in a photo, but then a bunch of life happened... a lot of good things, a lot of un-good things... 

Then I got an email from Google that my photos were in danger of being deleted and I remembered I have a blog... I read a bunch of my old entries and... I'm honestly considering reading some of them on TikTok...

I'm especially moved by younger me's thoughts about weight and body image. I see she was fueling her goals with a lot of outside influence and expectation and using the words she believed the world wanted her to say. She thought "I need them to know that I know I'm unhealthy and that I know how to be healthy so they will give me a break" but the thing is, very few people (I wish I could say none) actually said anything negative about how she looked, what she ate, how active/inactive her lifestyle was...

It's the one red sock that stains the rest pink, even if it doesn't stain it stands out like crazy, and that one negative comment drowned all of the good things she heard, thought, believed about herself.

My focus has changed and, though my weight has gone up over the last five years. I don't acknowledge perceived judgement out loud anymore ('I know I need to lose weight", "I've been eating so healthy so it's okay if I enjoy this meal with you", "I really need to get back in the gym") because I don't care as much if people think those things so I don't need them to know, I know, they know that I'm chubby...

However, I'm not cured... I'm not body positive and am not embracing myself for all I am or appreciating my body for what it can do... I'm still not happy with my physical fitness, and I'm still very lucky that I have no other major health issues... and I still want to change all of that... and I still think I know how, but just choose to not... because... well...

Life is worth living, planning to live "someday" is not living. I absolutely LOVE to plan things, but I realized recently that I don't often do the thing I planned for over the course of months or years OR I don't enjoy the thing if/when I actually do it. I'm very bad at being in the moment so I've actually missed out on almost every opportunity to experience the good things. 

I don't know... this is all rambling...

Ramble on,

Mel