It takes a long time to grow up, and we never stop until our hearts do.
We spend all of that time finding out what kind of person we are.
We develop new habits, friendships, skills, hobbies, passions; and lose old habits, friendships, skills, hobbies, passions.
All that time we spend growing, in one way or another, but some things stay exactly the same inside.
There is a part of me that is always 5 and terrified on the first day of Kindergarten.
13 and worried someone will make fun of my new braces or acne.
18 and unsure about what adulthood means and what to be for the rest of my life.
25 and realizing birthdays aren't fun anymore and what am I doing with my life?
30 and sad, but not sure if it's because TV and movies said people get sad about turning 30...
A time when all of those ages converge seems to be happening to me now.
Recently I was looking into, um... how to be vague but still make sense? ... Let's call it "joining a group".
This process caused a lot of memories to come back to me about one of the last "groups" I had joined...
When I was 20, (I think?), I stopped attending gatherings of a group (which I will not name as it is not the point of the story).
I felt I was an active member of this group and its various activities as well as related side groups, etc. The reason I stopped going is not exactly clear, but is partially related to my brother Mark having decided to stop a few weeks before.
It was a tough decision to make. I was really lonely for a long time, and unsure if it was the right choice, but...
Worse than not knowing if I did the right thing or if I was misguided, was the sting I felt in my heart when no one reached out to me. Not to see if I was okay or if something had happened.
Not a word really... Unless my memory is blurred on this time period, I don't think anyone even sent a postcard for upcoming events... I felt like I was instantly wiped from the mailing list.
I have experienced a huge mixed bag about that from then until now.
I go from feeling like, "I should have been a better friend, this was all my fault", "who am I to think I should test these people in such a way?," to feeling like I was a part of their lives, part of the "meetings", "I had to have meant something to SOMEone"...
Maybe everyone was relieved?
Maybe everyone hated me all along?
Worse, maybe no one noticed?
So, when I saw you...
and you recognized me!
and you walked up to me with a huge smile and opened your mouth to say something...
I thought for a flash, "Someone DID notice, someone DOES miss me"...
!!!
and instead you say, "How's Mark doing?"
...
I wonder if you even remember my name...
and while I say "He's good", and ask how you are
and you say "good", and "see you around"... and you walk away
...
That's when I turn 30, 25, 18, 13, and 5 all at once and melt into a puddle that drips through the cracks in the linoleum until I evaporate and there is nothing left at all...
But this is not the only case like this.
When it's three times and three very different "groups", it's not a coincidence that people don't care that someone is gone, it's a trend...
and I'm still not sure if I have been bad at choosing the right group for me, if people just really suck at outreach, or if I am exactly as insignificant as I feel when no one says, "How are you?"...
...
I'm not sure what the purpose of this post really was, I felt I needed to get that out and let someone learn something from it, or show me what I missed... anyway...
Ramble On,
Mel
I feel you, Mel. I've experienced similar situations, had similar feelings about them. I guess I just wanted to say YOU'RE NOT ALONE. You are deeply introspective, assigning meaning to everything you experience, seeing patterns in your life that seemingly point to the fact you're lacking in some way...YOU'RE NOT. Those people are. They are superficial to your authentic. Shallow, to your depth. They are the majority, those surface dwellers, we are the minority, deep thinkers (and true friends), so finding a tribe of like-minded people is much harder (but not impossible). Don't blame yourself for other people's failings, stay strong, keep being yourself.
ReplyDeleteThank you, but I don't really see it as being better in any way. It's more of a square peg situation. The round hole isn't worse than the square peg for being round, it's just not the right fit. It's their tribe and ours is very different but, objectively, no better or worse. Understanding that doesn't make the occasional feelings of "why not me?" go away, but they do come around a lot less often.
DeleteGreat post....I have left two "groups" and each time, I felt like here I was SO involved, then in a snap, no one actually cared! I'm "ok" with the current place, but not really feeling it. We do long to fit in....I hope we both find that place!
ReplyDeleteThank you Sarah. I'd be interested to know which "groups" you have tried and what you feel did and didn't work for you. If you'd like to message me we could compare notes. People get uncomfortable when things change. They are insecure about what they should say, so they say nothing. I try not to do this, but I am for sure guilty of the same. I'm not sure if a person even considered me close enough to be asking them about their life, so my fear of being "nosy" wins. I feel social media makes this worse because I see pictures and read posts and feel like I am involved in what's going on, but we're not really interacting when we click "like". That's what has caused this yearning in my heart to find a new group, to see faces and read expressions and hear tone of voice and to express myself. To be real, for real, in real life.
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