It's just a cry for attention...

Thinking... I wonder what it's like to not think so much, about so much, all of the time...

Today's topic is suicide! Hooray!!!

I live with suicidal ideations, or thoughts of suicide... it's a part of me, and I fear it, but I have tools to manage it...

There are a lot of people who deal with thoughts of suicide on a regular basis, which I didn't know for a long time, because of the stigma...

Here's a reaction that I find to be a very common, yet inappropriate, response to a friend or relative expressing they have suicidal thoughts:

"Oh poor you, 'My life is so hard', everyone's life is hard... It's just a cry for attention..."
Uh DUH! Of course it's a cry for attention, literally call me, send a text, reach out...

That's what someone needs when they feel suicidal.
We feel terrified that no one will be there to stop our spiral...
Like we must stay isolated from the outside world because we would be a burden...
Alone in our overwhelming emotions...
There is no one who knows what is going on in our heads...
So "I must be beyond repair, and everyone would be better off without me".

It is also a misunderstanding of the condition to think that a suicidal person is only one who has attempted suicide, so someone who has not tried to kill themselves must not really be suicidal...
There is no logic in this at all.
I've never baked a loaf of bread, but that does not mean that I haven't thought about baking bread... What kind of bread I'd want to try, looked up recipes online, even purchased the ingredients and set a day to give it a go...

It is true that most people don't think "I should kill myself" when something bad happens like the loss of a loved one, being fired from a job, or getting dumped...

It is even more true that most people don't react to trivial things like getting a flat tire, cutting themselves shaving, or stubbing a toe with a quick thought that they should swallow every pill in their house.

But I know, that out of all of the billions of people in this world, it's not just me and that helps a little, it takes some of the pressure off...

It means I'm not alone, in a room, in the dark...
Screaming for someone who can understand...
To hold my hand...
Tell me it will pass and remind me...
Depression lies...

Ramble On...
Melissa

Experiment Version: whoevenknowsanymore?

There's a contradiction I struggle with almost daily that comes from two "inspirational quotes" that float around the internet:

• When you're in a rut, think about what has worked for you in the past and then do that.

• The definition of  insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

So, yeah - a vegetarian diet worked for me in the past, but that stopped after one bite of biscuits & gravy on Christmas morning 2009. Likewise, eating 100% Whole30 approved Paleo worked really well, until the 30 days ended, well... I waited until day 35. (I was so afraid to stop the Whole30 because I knew what would happen, but I stopped anyway).

...so did what I had done in the past really work for me?
...because I stopped doing both and here I am... 5'2", about to turn 38, and tipping the scale at 270+

Is doing either extreme again, and expecting it to work this time, just crazy?

All that I can say I know with 100% certainty is that nothing, that's literally doing nothing, is not working. Also, the constant in these "experiments" is me, and my depression (which is strengthened by poor health and weight gain), and my very well honed skill of negative self talk, and suicidal ideations... (I'll, maybe, add some perspective on that last bit in another post.)

Therefore, I need a new/old plan; a new way to implement and carry out a proven technique while addressing the lessons learned from last time, and the time before, and the time before that one, and the time that happened at an earlier point in time from that other time, etc...

And, I need to take actual, small steps to get a permanent change going, because there is one thing that stuck. I always make a plan outlining, in detail, what I am going to make and eat for lunch and dinner. Do I always follow the plan? NO! but, I can't not make a plan now... so there's my baseline, a new habit solidified; my best laid plans are mandatory routine.
So, what's my next step? Exercise everyday? Eat raw vegan nuts and berries that volunteered to be food? Deadlift my own weight?  

OR... here's a bonkers idea... How about I maintain my 270 for one month? 

I could track every bite I take and every activity I do so I know what it is that I am doing (or not doing) that has my body in the shape it is in now. I have never taken this step and I think it's possible that my lack of a serious look at how I got where I am could be the missing piece I've been searching for before declaring how I will get to any ill conceived "goal".

So, for 30 days, I'll set my LoseIt! app to "maintain my current weight" and track everything. 

After that, I'll take a look at what habits can go and what habits can begin so I can give my "Scheduling" badge a buddy on my "Health Scouts" sash... god I'm such a dork...

Ramble On,
Mel

Whenever You're Ready

It's always been a battle between what I know and what I'll admit; to others or to myself. So I begin, over and over, hoping this leap will be the leap home. 

My main demon is this overwhelming impulse to rebel against any outside influencers. It's as if taking someone else's advice takes away from my victory. Yes, a lot of the suggestions I hear are useless, but they are all well intentioned. It is a stumbling block of my own making and has been instrumental in my development to 265 lbs. Despite this awareness, and the reality of numbers I have never seen on the scale, nothing has broken the stumbling block in my mind... Until a few days ago...

I had reached maximum capacity at the onset of 2017 and made a resolution. My husband and I agreed to walking twice a week and eating "healthier". 

This lasted about three weeks and then I had a particularly and persistently painful "lady time" episode one walking day. Then my husband got stuck by the next walking day, then I got sick... By this time it was easy to just not go anymore.

Eating "healthier" lasted only a few days before the "I'm not in the mood for that" mentality kicked in. 

Cut to a few days before Fat Tuesday. The office manager needed petty cash to purchase Paczki for the upcoming, gluttony celebrating, holiday. Something clicked on in my brain. It was time... I was ready... The reason for why this is the right time remains unclear, I only know that it's here. 

A cookbook was cracked open and a schedule put in place. I had been looking at weeks and months for years and that has gotten me nowhere. I read somewhere that taking an approach of focusing on days and years can be a more useful way of seeing things.

So I made a plan... A 70 Week commitment.

I will move my body more and more with each segment of my plan. Eat good, whole, delicious food and won't eat bad, processed, or grain laden food.

And, most importantly, rather than waiting to be motivated or inspired to get it together or get my butt in gear, I choose, every day, to begin now.

Now is as good a time as any...

Ramble on...

Mel