I am the Fat Bachelorette... In roughly twelve days, I will be the Fat Bride.
There is a fine line that I am struggling to walk.
On one side is the need to see reality; that my weight is out of control and that it is time to drop the excuses and get this food addiction replaced with something more productive.
On the other side is the need to stop hating; judging, critiquing, assuming the worst of others and crying over what I have done to my body.
Neither of these extremes are doing me any favors and they often lead to a return to seeking comfort from food.
How do I get positive motivation without going back to the delusional part of my brain that didn't realize how much weight I have put on in the last 6 years? How do I love myself and my body without spiraling into a pit full of Doritos and chicken nuggets?
Maybe I'm not explaining myself clearly...
I had engagement photos taken a few weeks ago. Prior to this, I had not seen my body the way others see it. I had a relatively positive self image and, though I recognized areas that needed a lot of improvement, I generally liked what I saw in the mirror. I knew I was overweight and that I had a problem with using food as a means to deal with my problems, but I was going to get really into fitness, health, and juicing once the wedding was over. I'd change my lifestyle for the better when I no longer had to worry about a baggy wedding gown.
Then the proofs came back from the photographer... I hadn't seen the parts of my body in proportion to my other limbs let alone other objects. I knew I was larger that my fiance, but I didn't know my bottom was almost three times the size of his. I got very sad, and very depressed, and tried to avoid treating the sadness with Pringles and Combos by printing a small photo and putting it in a discreet, but visible to me, spot on my work desk with the caption, "no thanks, I don't want to go to the snack [bar]."
Then, the way I saw the photo changed... and it wasn't THAT bad... and Pringles are sooo good... it's okay to get a snack once in awhile... I'm going to get on track after the honeymoon, anyway...
Over the weekend I went out with my bridesmaids, mom, future mother in law, cousins and grandma to celebrate the last of my single days and I could not shut up that voice in my head that says, "you don't deserve a party fat girl" and "everyone thinks you look ridiculous" and "they are all thinking 'who would marry that?'". Now, I know that I'm making these things up... and that the opinion of others should have nothing to do with my opinion of myself, but it's there in my head so it must be my opinion of myself... This has got to change. What did not help was seeing the pictures my mom took with her phone, and the video of when they took me up on stage at the dinner theater... and made me dance... I consider myself a funny person. Partly because I feel I need to be funny to be liked because of my weight, and partly because I have always been a silly kid... and I was funny on stage, but I couldn't allow myself to feel good that people laughed; I could only think, that they were laughing at me... and my big ass...
.......
In roughly twelve days, I will get into my size eighteen wedding gown and walk down the aisle to marry the best person I have ever met and I thank God for that. We will spend the evening sharing great food and music with friends, family, coworkers, and people our parents know, and I am so focused on how hot I am going to be and if I am going to look as sweaty as I will feel... The next day we will be going to a tropical island to celebrate making it through the chaos and nerves and being in the spotlight for seven wonderful days of all inclusive fun, and I'm worried that complete strangers might have something to say about my bathing suits, shorts, dresses, skirts...
None of this is helped by my very real back problems that are now a daily issue.
What do I do? How can I keep my head straight without falling to one side or the other? Both extremes lead to a Taco Bell binge, so I really need something to click in my head to keep me balanced on the line. Loving determination. Gentle perseverance. Encouraging logic.
No more excuses, no more potato chip dinners, no more lazy Sundays.
There is no perfect time to start, so how about now?
Now it is.
There is a fine line that I am struggling to walk.
On one side is the need to see reality; that my weight is out of control and that it is time to drop the excuses and get this food addiction replaced with something more productive.
On the other side is the need to stop hating; judging, critiquing, assuming the worst of others and crying over what I have done to my body.
Neither of these extremes are doing me any favors and they often lead to a return to seeking comfort from food.
How do I get positive motivation without going back to the delusional part of my brain that didn't realize how much weight I have put on in the last 6 years? How do I love myself and my body without spiraling into a pit full of Doritos and chicken nuggets?
Maybe I'm not explaining myself clearly...
I had engagement photos taken a few weeks ago. Prior to this, I had not seen my body the way others see it. I had a relatively positive self image and, though I recognized areas that needed a lot of improvement, I generally liked what I saw in the mirror. I knew I was overweight and that I had a problem with using food as a means to deal with my problems, but I was going to get really into fitness, health, and juicing once the wedding was over. I'd change my lifestyle for the better when I no longer had to worry about a baggy wedding gown.
Then the proofs came back from the photographer... I hadn't seen the parts of my body in proportion to my other limbs let alone other objects. I knew I was larger that my fiance, but I didn't know my bottom was almost three times the size of his. I got very sad, and very depressed, and tried to avoid treating the sadness with Pringles and Combos by printing a small photo and putting it in a discreet, but visible to me, spot on my work desk with the caption, "no thanks, I don't want to go to the snack [bar]."
Then, the way I saw the photo changed... and it wasn't THAT bad... and Pringles are sooo good... it's okay to get a snack once in awhile... I'm going to get on track after the honeymoon, anyway...
Over the weekend I went out with my bridesmaids, mom, future mother in law, cousins and grandma to celebrate the last of my single days and I could not shut up that voice in my head that says, "you don't deserve a party fat girl" and "everyone thinks you look ridiculous" and "they are all thinking 'who would marry that?'". Now, I know that I'm making these things up... and that the opinion of others should have nothing to do with my opinion of myself, but it's there in my head so it must be my opinion of myself... This has got to change. What did not help was seeing the pictures my mom took with her phone, and the video of when they took me up on stage at the dinner theater... and made me dance... I consider myself a funny person. Partly because I feel I need to be funny to be liked because of my weight, and partly because I have always been a silly kid... and I was funny on stage, but I couldn't allow myself to feel good that people laughed; I could only think, that they were laughing at me... and my big ass...
.......
In roughly twelve days, I will get into my size eighteen wedding gown and walk down the aisle to marry the best person I have ever met and I thank God for that. We will spend the evening sharing great food and music with friends, family, coworkers, and people our parents know, and I am so focused on how hot I am going to be and if I am going to look as sweaty as I will feel... The next day we will be going to a tropical island to celebrate making it through the chaos and nerves and being in the spotlight for seven wonderful days of all inclusive fun, and I'm worried that complete strangers might have something to say about my bathing suits, shorts, dresses, skirts...
None of this is helped by my very real back problems that are now a daily issue.
What do I do? How can I keep my head straight without falling to one side or the other? Both extremes lead to a Taco Bell binge, so I really need something to click in my head to keep me balanced on the line. Loving determination. Gentle perseverance. Encouraging logic.
No more excuses, no more potato chip dinners, no more lazy Sundays.
There is no perfect time to start, so how about now?
Now it is.
