Taking a New Approach

I am Melissa. I'm from the suburbs of Detroit, but that's not what this is about.

I am in my 30's, have a husband named Bryan. We have no kids and are not sure if we want to be parents, but that's not what this is about

I work in an office. My coworkers are nice. We sometimes complain about our jobs, even though we all secretly like our jobs, but that's not what this is about.

What this IS about :

I am 100+ pounds overweight, and have carried it around for about 20 years. I want to lose weight to be healthier and more able to keep up with activities and sweat less at outdoor events in summer, but have a very hard time with being told what to do...

I have decided to be a better feminist and am working on my confidence. I aim to be better at asking for/and getting what I want and want to take a more active role in my life... 

I'm in search of the combination of personal growth needed for breaking out of what is expected of a fat woman, and still doing the best I can to take care of myself and my health. My biggest hurdle is feeling invisible, ignored, disregarded... Somewhere I learned the consensus is that my opinion doesn't matter as much as a man's or as much as women who are thinner and more fit. I have felt like other's cannot hear me when I speak because they don't see me... I blend into the background... weighing more than the average woman makes me feel less worthy of acknowledgment. My role in this is that I hide in corners, take up as little space as possible by folding my arms and legs, and I speak in low, mumbled, quiet tones...

These are huge issues to tackle worldwide, but it will take individuals taking action in their own minds and families and communities to work together to find a better way. So it starts with me, here, complaining about the "fitness" industry, "diets", and what the TV says I should be...

Welcome to my ramblings...

Ramble On...
-Mel

The Fat Bachelorette

I am the Fat Bachelorette... In roughly twelve days, I will be the Fat Bride.

There is a fine line that I am struggling to walk.
On one side is the need to see reality; that my weight is out of control and that it is time to drop the excuses and get this food addiction replaced with something more productive.
On the other side is the need to stop hating; judging, critiquing, assuming the worst of others and crying over what I have done to my body.
Neither of these extremes are doing me any favors and they often lead to a return to seeking comfort from food.

How do I get positive motivation without going back to the delusional part of my brain that didn't realize how much weight I have put on in the last 6 years? How do I love myself and my body without spiraling into a pit full of Doritos and chicken nuggets?

Maybe I'm not explaining myself clearly...

I had engagement photos taken a few weeks ago. Prior to this, I had not seen my body the way others see it. I had a relatively positive self image and, though I recognized areas that needed a lot of improvement, I generally liked what I saw in the mirror. I knew I was overweight and that I had a problem with using food as a means to deal with my problems, but I was going to get really into fitness, health, and juicing once the wedding was over. I'd change my lifestyle for the better when I no longer had to worry about a baggy wedding gown.

Then the proofs came back from the photographer... I hadn't seen the parts of my body in proportion to my other limbs let alone other objects. I knew I was larger that my fiance, but I didn't know my bottom was almost three times the size of his. I got very sad, and very depressed, and tried to avoid treating the sadness with Pringles and Combos by printing a small photo and putting it in a discreet, but visible to me, spot on my work desk with the caption, "no thanks, I don't want to go to the snack [bar]."

Then, the way I saw the photo changed... and it wasn't THAT bad... and Pringles are sooo good... it's okay to get a snack once in awhile... I'm going to get on track after the honeymoon, anyway...

Over the weekend I went out with my bridesmaids, mom, future mother in law, cousins and grandma to celebrate the last of my single days and I could not shut up that voice in my head that says, "you don't deserve a party fat girl" and "everyone thinks you look ridiculous" and "they are all thinking 'who would marry that?'".   Now, I know that I'm making these things up... and that the opinion of others should have nothing to do with my opinion of myself, but it's there in my head so it must be my opinion of myself... This has got to change. What did not help was seeing the pictures my mom took with her phone, and the video of when they took me up on stage at the dinner theater... and made me dance... I consider myself a funny person. Partly because I feel I need to be funny to be liked because of my weight, and partly because I have always been a silly kid... and I was funny on stage, but I couldn't allow myself to feel good that people laughed; I could only think, that they were laughing at me... and my big ass...

.......

In roughly twelve days, I will get into my size eighteen wedding gown and walk down the aisle to marry the best person I have ever met and I thank God for that. We will spend the evening sharing great food and music with friends, family, coworkers, and people our parents know, and I am so focused on how hot I am going to be and if I am going to look as sweaty as I will feel... The next day we will be going to a tropical island to celebrate making it through the chaos and nerves and being in the spotlight for seven wonderful days of all inclusive fun, and I'm worried that complete strangers might have something to say about my bathing suits, shorts, dresses, skirts...

None of this is helped by my very real back problems that are now a daily issue.

What do I do? How can I keep my head straight without falling to one side or the other? Both extremes lead to a Taco Bell binge, so I really need something to click in my head to keep me balanced on the line. Loving determination. Gentle perseverance. Encouraging logic.

No more excuses, no more potato chip dinners, no more lazy Sundays.

There is no perfect time to start, so how about now?

Now it is.