Taking a New Approach

I am Melissa. I'm from the suburbs of Detroit, but that's not what this is about.

I am in my 30's, have a husband named Bryan. We have no kids and are not sure if we want to be parents, but that's not what this is about

I work in an office. My coworkers are nice. We sometimes complain about our jobs, even though we all secretly like our jobs, but that's not what this is about.

What this IS about :

I am 100+ pounds overweight, and have carried it around for about 20 years. I want to lose weight to be healthier and more able to keep up with activities and sweat less at outdoor events in summer, but have a very hard time with being told what to do...

I have decided to be a better feminist and am working on my confidence. I aim to be better at asking for/and getting what I want and want to take a more active role in my life... 

I'm in search of the combination of personal growth needed for breaking out of what is expected of a fat woman, and still doing the best I can to take care of myself and my health. My biggest hurdle is feeling invisible, ignored, disregarded... Somewhere I learned the consensus is that my opinion doesn't matter as much as a man's or as much as women who are thinner and more fit. I have felt like other's cannot hear me when I speak because they don't see me... I blend into the background... weighing more than the average woman makes me feel less worthy of acknowledgment. My role in this is that I hide in corners, take up as little space as possible by folding my arms and legs, and I speak in low, mumbled, quiet tones...

These are huge issues to tackle worldwide, but it will take individuals taking action in their own minds and families and communities to work together to find a better way. So it starts with me, here, complaining about the "fitness" industry, "diets", and what the TV says I should be...

Welcome to my ramblings...

Ramble On...
-Mel

On the Next Train

When I get on something I am ON it... until it gets hard.

I start playing video games and quit after the first few levels because it got really difficult to jump faster over the little turtles or avoid the poison gas while running up and down concrete blocks even though I know I will get tired of the simple puzzles and training modes at the beginning and never want to play.

I start organizing the excess junk in my closet or basement and quit when I get overwhelmed by the number of different categories everything falls into and how to get those items in the same place and just want to throw it all out, even though I know I will need one of those things in a matter of weeks and will save a lot of time and frustration if I know all of the doodads are in the blue tote and all of the widgets are in the green one.

I start a fitness routine and quit when it starts to make me sweaty or sore and complain or slightly exaggerate injury to avoid returning to the gym as long as I can until, eventually, I just stop altogether, even though I know staying on ramp (at the beginner's level) would get boring and that my body gets used to activities and movements and will not get stronger without pushing it harder.

I start making really healthy and good tasting meals at home and quit when it gets harder to make something different because you have to find the spices in the market, or mince the parsley yourself (fresh just tastes better, amiright?), or take time from watching TV to prep and package lunches even though I know I save money, have a way better understanding of what is in my food/body, and seem to just melt away in the first month of cooking at home compared to my clothes feeling gradually tighter when I go to restaurants for lunch or grab carry out for dinner each day.

I start writing blogs about my health goals and quit when I see the scale inching up because I don't want anyone that happens to read these to know specifics on how I failed this time, even though I know I would have been helped a lot to know what circumstances lead to me not getting in any better shape for my wedding when I had 10 months to prepare.

So I am just putting it all out there now. I welcome advice, warnings, suggestions and encouragement. I have always struggled with letting people be a part of my life and letting them see what is going on in my head. It was very important for me to think that other thought I was cool and in control, but I would like to change that. It's not to depend on anyone, but to feel the sense of community and support and to be okay with admitting I do not have everything in control.

Real quick brag before I go:
I am sticking with Monday Bootcamp and am only a little sore today. I also made all of my meals last week and am on track to do the same this week, and I made the most delicious breakfast bars ever, made pasta and pretzel bread from scratch to freeze to keep consumption in moderation, and made really good quinoa oatmeal that I portioned and froze to grab when there isn't time in the AM to cook eggs.

I'm going to update this each week so I can keep a record and make adjustments if I fall back into old patterns.


Ramble On,
Mel