Whenever You're Ready

It's always been a battle between what I know and what I'll admit; to others or to myself. So I begin, over and over, hoping this leap will be the leap home. 

My main demon is this overwhelming impulse to rebel against any outside influencers. It's as if taking someone else's advice takes away from my victory. Yes, a lot of the suggestions I hear are useless, but they are all well intentioned. It is a stumbling block of my own making and has been instrumental in my development to 265 lbs. Despite this awareness, and the reality of numbers I have never seen on the scale, nothing has broken the stumbling block in my mind... Until a few days ago...

I had reached maximum capacity at the onset of 2017 and made a resolution. My husband and I agreed to walking twice a week and eating "healthier". 

This lasted about three weeks and then I had a particularly and persistently painful "lady time" episode one walking day. Then my husband got stuck by the next walking day, then I got sick... By this time it was easy to just not go anymore.

Eating "healthier" lasted only a few days before the "I'm not in the mood for that" mentality kicked in. 

Cut to a few days before Fat Tuesday. The office manager needed petty cash to purchase Paczki for the upcoming, gluttony celebrating, holiday. Something clicked on in my brain. It was time... I was ready... The reason for why this is the right time remains unclear, I only know that it's here. 

A cookbook was cracked open and a schedule put in place. I had been looking at weeks and months for years and that has gotten me nowhere. I read somewhere that taking an approach of focusing on days and years can be a more useful way of seeing things.

So I made a plan... A 70 Week commitment.

I will move my body more and more with each segment of my plan. Eat good, whole, delicious food and won't eat bad, processed, or grain laden food.

And, most importantly, rather than waiting to be motivated or inspired to get it together or get my butt in gear, I choose, every day, to begin now.

Now is as good a time as any...

Ramble on...

Mel

Go Team Go!

There is an "I" in team for the following sports metaphor:

I am the whole team. I'm the owner, coach, captain, players, cheerleaders, fans and stadium all in one. 

Important to note though; I am also the rival team. 

There is no one else in this game but me... 

The only thing trying to stop me from scoring... is me.

The only one who suffers when I fumble... is me.

The only winner when everything goes well and I tackle my inner rival and get past that line with the ball in my hands... is me.

No one can take that victory from me and no one is standing in the way.

So... I have to be done with sitting on the sidelines of my life and watching myself fall all over the field and make a mess of this game. I've spent too many seasons kicking myself for failing and treating my pain with foods that couse more pain. 

I'm making my last playbook, and I'm going to win... Go Team!

Ramble On...

Mel

Dream One

Dreamt I was dead or dying in a strange place like a retirement home, but everyone was of varying ages and it didn't seem like a hospice or cancer ward.

It was separated from my life and everyone I knew. Kurt Russell was there. He had his shirt off and I hugged him (platonically) and his back felt like a hairless cat to the touch, kind of velvety and smooshy and odd...

Whenever anyone was told they were leaving, there was a goodbye ritual that involved giving away all of your stuff. Everyone was in shock when they were told it was their turn even though we knew why we were there and what was next... When I got the news it was my time I cried a lot, showed everyone where I kept all my good stuff and went into the lobby to wait for the bus...

At some point while waiting I realized I wasn't dying; I was about to be born. I saw a vision of my parents and my life and my mom telling me they had money saved so I could go away to college if I wanted...

Then I was back to reality and now and was sad because I can't go off to live in the dorms and begin my adult life. I do still regret not going away to college.

I've been having these crisis type dreams for a few nights now and I wake up feeling depressed about whatever theme was most prominent. Being fired, dumped, teased, ignored, dying, my sensuality, my body image issues, getting pregnant/losing the baby... I'm not sure what it all means, but I'd love to have a night of peaceful sleep where my dreams are not so disturbing that I wake up feeling like I never slept at all... 

Taking a New Approach

I am Melissa. I'm from the suburbs of Detroit, but that's not what this is about.

I am in my 30's, have a husband named Bryan. We have no kids and are not sure if we want to be parents, but that's not what this is about

I work in an office. My coworkers are nice. We sometimes complain about our jobs, even though we all secretly like our jobs, but that's not what this is about.

What this IS about :

I am 100+ pounds overweight, and have carried it around for about 20 years. I want to lose weight to be healthier and more able to keep up with activities and sweat less at outdoor events in summer, but have a very hard time with being told what to do...

I have decided to be a better feminist and am working on my confidence. I aim to be better at asking for/and getting what I want and want to take a more active role in my life... 

I'm in search of the combination of personal growth needed for breaking out of what is expected of a fat woman, and still doing the best I can to take care of myself and my health. My biggest hurdle is feeling invisible, ignored, disregarded... Somewhere I learned the consensus is that my opinion doesn't matter as much as a man's or as much as women who are thinner and more fit. I have felt like other's cannot hear me when I speak because they don't see me... I blend into the background... weighing more than the average woman makes me feel less worthy of acknowledgment. My role in this is that I hide in corners, take up as little space as possible by folding my arms and legs, and I speak in low, mumbled, quiet tones...

These are huge issues to tackle worldwide, but it will take individuals taking action in their own minds and families and communities to work together to find a better way. So it starts with me, here, complaining about the "fitness" industry, "diets", and what the TV says I should be...

Welcome to my ramblings...

Ramble On...
-Mel

Well... THAT was a bad idea.

Nope... can't give myself carte blanche... cannot be trusted.

Not waiting for a certain date or for a certain holiday to pass... getting this under control NOW...

I'm only 5' 2"... I can't carry all of this. How I'm not being rolled from room to room ala Violet Beauregard is beyond me, but it is very close on the horizon... How could it take this long for me to be sick of being sick? (like nausea from eating GARBAGE...)

Self Control... Is Just Controlling Myself...

So... I just read this post about thought control regarding food and I could probably smack my forehead for not thinking this way before.

I've been on one diet or another for about... forever and there has always been some limit I was trying to stick to, whether it be no grains, no meat, no sugar, or not too many calories... 

I don't think I have ever said I could have anything I wanted just to see what happens... just to see if telling myself there are no limits would switch off whatever it is in my brain that was switched on when my parents told me to get away from the snacks one holiday when I was 10 and I started hiding food in my room and binging in secret... a habit I still have to this day. 

My 10 year old brain made a decision that being seen indulging in a treat meant getting in trouble, so, along with other stigmas I picked up along the way, I began to hide and eat. I do this now when I have food in the car... I don't chew when I'm at a stop light and other people could be looking around and see me... as if I think the calories don't count if no one sees...

So, I made a plan for Lent and I think I'm going to change it based on the post linked above... just to see... when I trust myself to stop when I'm satisfied, will I actually stop?


It's been this long, what's another 4-5 weeks? :)

Whole30 Day 30 Every planet has its own weird customs. Some people juggle geese!

I made it!!! Day 30 of another successful Whole30!!!

Now, I need to keep this way of eating going... This was not hard... the first few days were challenging, but once things were rolling, I had little issue keeping up the pace.

I've got to stick to this breakthrough and not let go of it... not again...

I wasn't always a chubby girl. In fact, I used to be "tiny", "petite", "Smurfette"...

I had little sticks for legs and had (and still have) noticeably dainty hands and feet... so, naturally all I wanted in the whole world was to be big. I wanted to be tall and have boobs and be popular... and now... 

Now, my one wish is to be small again. Not just for the change in tough choices going back to "jungle gym or swings?", but literally... 

I would sit with my hands folded and hunch my shoulders over to appear to be smaller... or bring my knees into my chest and put my head down so I was invisible in my mind. This posture has led me down a road of feeling less than acceptable as a body (or a personality). 

I don't want anyone to see how big I am. 

There are a couple of problems right there. 

1. Why do I care about what others think? 
• Was middle school that scarring that I think some stranger at a bar is going to come up to me, point at my stomach, and ask loud enough for the whole place to hear if I want some butter to go with my rolls?!?!?
2. Even if someone did say something audibly enough for me to hear it, intentionally or otherwise, why is their opinion more important to me that my own?
• When did I decide that someone that does not know me is more qualified to judge me than I am? Perhaps, it is because I think a stranger is more likely to be honest than a friend or my husband... but that makes little sense the more I think about it.

I am accepting the likelihood that affirmations could be a big help to me to get through the roadblocks I face each day, therefore, I am going to start giving myself some love Stuart Smalley style...

Daily Affirmation

So-

I am good enough

I am smart enough

and doggone it, people like me!

... er... maybe I'll make up my own?

I love myself unconditionally...

I'm stronger today, than I was yesterday; and tomorrow, I'll be stronger still...

I deserve good things...

Now for records...

Food:

Lunch-
Big Salad w/Roast Turkey & Olives

Dinner-

Grilled Chicken w/Roasted Potatoes & Salad

Stats:

Starting Line-

Whole30 Day 1 - 254 lbs

254 lbs
Size 20 jeans 
Constant back pain
Regular heartburn and belching
Pressure headaches nearly everyday
Always tired
Knees clicking going up stairs
Exercise induced asthma





Finish Line-

Whole30 Day 31 - 239 lbs

239 lbs
Size 18 jeans getting loose
Occasional, mild back ache
No heartburn 
No headaches 
Rarely tired and sleep more soundly
Rosacea clearing up
Knees still clicking going up stairs, but not as loud

Ramble on...