The Heat Is On

I hate summer.

I hate being hot.

Wearing clothes that are comfortable for the sake of the heat, but show my arms and legs and aren't exactly "cute"
Tying my hair up and away from my face to keep it from sticking to my sweaty neck and forehead
And sweating... oh god... sweating profusely in public while other girls wearing much more fashionable clothes and have their hair down and dance and run and remain dry... it's not fair!!!

I spent the weekend at an outdoor music festival and I kept hearing myself say "It's not fair"

It's not fair...

It's not fair that I have struggled with my weight since puberty
It's not fair that I have always felt like I was surrounded by friends and family that are thin and beautiful (not saying no one had struggles too... but, not the same magnitude as me, perhaps?)
It's not fair that I hated high school, pool parties, outdoor events, shorts, sundresses, the sun, the entire outside since grade 8 because I thought I was "too fat" to fit in with others...

The last time I remember being outside in summer and being happy was when I was twelve... then one of the girls at school said I had big thighs... and it sometimes feels like that moment started this whole effing snowball... and then, hearing "it's not fair" answered with "life's not fair" and, basically, "it's your fault"... How could I stand against that?

So I made a way to stay off the ground... and how's that working for me?

I am so tired of this crutch... this tirade of thinking that making things fair means making deals with myself like, "I can do ___ when I'm thin":

"I'll dress more fashionably and buy better quality clothing when I reach my goal weight, so Old Navy is fine, for now"
                     I've worn Old Navy, almost exclusively, since 1995
"I'll have such a nice garden when I'm not embarrassed to be in crawling around in the yard"
                    I've never had a garden and I've had a yard of some sort for most of my adult life
"I'll wait to think about starting a family until I've dropped about 50 lbs"
                    Speaking of adult life, I'm 35 years old so... technically, time's running out on this one

Looking back on the big weight loss attempts of the last 10 years has me thinking, "what is it going to take to stop gaining 5-10 lbs a year and start losing the weight?"

I feel like I have made huge strides in the way of permanent change with my relationship to food in the last few weeks, and I know I have room to improve when it comes to being active, but I've been here before... and I am looking forward to a day where I can complain about something other than how my weight affects whatever situation I happen to be experiencing at the time. :)

I can only hold on to hope that this time is different because it does feel very different. It will be slow, but steady and I believe, for me, that is how to make it through to the finish line and stay on that side of the tape.

It's a marathon... and it's going to take a lot more sweat...

Embarrassed Much?

I need to get something off my chest... ok, maybe that's not the best way to start this... you'll see...

I have been doing my workouts at home lately because I don't want to cry in the bathroom at the gym again... I'll explain later. Just understand that for now, this is what I need to do to feel comfortable with my sweating and panting for breath as I strengthen my body. I will have to go back one day when my exercise equipment (which consists of a jump rope, my own bodyweight, and a huge jug of fabric softener) no longer present a challenge, but that day is not here yet...

This post is not about blaming anyone else for my not wanting to go to a real gym (one with actual weights and trainers instead of 100+ isolation weight machines and exercycles and 30 minute circuits that do pretty much nothing) it is about acknowledging that it's not ok for the 19 yr old, 95 lb receptionist to look at me with a very obvious smirk when I sign in for boot camp class, or to overhear her talking to another member about how long I take in the showers because, "there's more of [me] to clean"...

Afterall... It's a gym... it's where people go to get and/or stay healthier... and not everyone is at 5% bodyfat on day one...

It is frustrating to be a joke to people that have no idea how hard it is to live each day in this body, let alone how much work it takes to build myself up mentally to do something to make positive change. It's frustrating to be the heaviest person in the office and hear the guys talking about how fat they are when I clearly have a good 50+ lbs on anyone here. It drove me crazy to overhear a co-worker say "I don't date black girls [because] they're too proud of their big asses, but don't know they're just fat and you can't say anything about it or they just get attitude..." (FYI the guy is black and I'm not so it's not really a direct insult or super racist in context, just very rude and inconsiderate...)

It's common knowledge, that in everyday conversation, it's no longer acceptable for anyone to make jokes about nationality, race, sexual orientation, gender, mental ability, or religion in public... but weight seems to remain fair game... and it is always open season... and it probably always will be because of all of those classifications, fat people are the most embarrassed of what puts them in the category and most all of us want to get to the other side and never speak of it again... Advocates for the fair treatment of the overweight are very few and are often invalidated by people stating that the overlying truth is that if we all just lost weight, no one would mock us for it anymore... (not touching that one right now, but my friends that have lost half or more of their weight can tell you that it is not the end... just keep "this is [insert newly thin person's name here], he/she lost a TON of weight, he/she used to be HUGE" in mind...)

Just, please, if you're on the other side (whether you've been here or not) please use empathy and be supportive, there is not a limit on quantity of fit people allowed in the world, you know...


Ramble On,
Melissa

Light As A Feather

After a less than awesome weekend, I felt that I was in need of a hot bath and a good cry last night... Instead I stayed up too late making pasta... (The rule is: If I want pasta for dinner I must make it myself.)

A lot of things are up in the air right now and I just want to feel my feet on solid ground for more than a minute...The more personal side of life should level off soon, but I really want something to be constant and unchanging... huh... I just answered my own unasked question... I need to get my butt back in church... Jesus is the epitome of constant and unchanging.

Quick digression: why, when you're upset and feeling lost, do people think it helps to say "everyone has problems" to comfort you? The high probability that everyone goes through tough times pretty regularly is not comforting at all, because I'm not everyone... for all I know the other people in my life are just in my head and I'm actually strapped to a chair somewhere in a space castle while more advanced beings watch my hallucinations projected on a screen like prime-time TV. TNT Mel Knows Drama... Well, that was a much longer and much weirder digression than I intended... oops!

In good news, it has been almost a month into 2015 and I have stuck to my "Cooking Monday through Friday" guns. I'm really loving this... I'm making tons of new recipes and learning a lot of new cuisines and techniques. Tonight is Thai; Pad See Ew (not yucky like the name suggests... it means "cooked in soy sauce") with fresh, homemade noodles!

Boot camp finally came around to my biggest fear... and the deadlifts I was so afraid of were stupid easy. This is probably because my only muscles happen to be the giant ones in my legs... At any rate,  the girls in my group were shaking like little chihuahuas in the snow as they lifted, but they said I lifted the 95 lb bar like it was a feather.

I really like the strength part of boot camp. Now I just need to figure out how to breathe better so I don't feel like passing out during cardio. I'm making incremental progress and think I am still on track to add Friday's class by April or sooner.

The best part of all of my struggles to stick to the plan is that it is working without feeling like much work. My clothes are starting to fit better, I feel stronger, and I don't feel like I'm missing any of my favorite flavors and textures in my meals. I even had pizza over the weekend and anyone that knows Detroit style pizza knows there's no healthy way to make the doughy, cheesy, greasy goodness. I had a small bowl of cereal for breakfast in the morning and saved my stomach real estate for a ton of salad and a piece and a half of the deliciousness that is Buddy's Margherita pizza and that was brunch... Since that was pretty filling, dinner was a little piece of veal from Saturday's leftovers. Normally I would have loaded on eggs, bacon & potatoes for breakfast, eaten pizza until I burst for lunch, and then forced another full meal down for dinner. Being more aware of my hunger signals and going into the war zone restaurant with a game plan helped a lot. 

Hooray for small, sustainable, permanent changes, ya'll!

Ramble On,

Melissa

Who's the Boss?

There is an entire society going on in my head... possibly closer to a global political structure. I have a group of sub-personalities deciding on, and implementing, policies to create an ideal environment of existence and a small, but persistent faction working against being told what to do in favor of complete freedom without regard to consequence.I would say I have my very own Israel and Palestine, but that's a bit severe and there actually is a side that is 100% right in my head (the left side, ha ha). I can say, at least, that the unconscious struggle resembles an average city council meeting. No way to please everyone, so everyone is equally disappointed... I feel like this is so freaking stupid, but I also feel like I am not alone in this analogy.

Each year, many of us make, and just as easily break, resolutions for a healthier lifestyle. Many of us make sweeping and unrealistic declarations of all of the changes we will make with no plan or understanding of the limited amount of willpower we are afforded in a day, week, month or year. Never have I, personally, been successful at keeping a single resolution, mainly because I have always made so many of them at once, and also because I didn't understand how change actually works. My conscious gets confused by all of the rules and my subconscious (the small faction that fights my logical side for freedom from structure) gets to creep in and slowly slide all the pieces back to where they were.

So, for real change, what can we do? I can't get behind the "small, lasting changes" idea enough. Beginning an initiative by saying, "I can't eat fast food ever again" or, "I have to workout 7 times a week" almost certainly will end in failure before you know it. What I am finding effective is saying something more like this, "I would like to feel better about what I eat so, if I must eat fast food in the next year, I could have Wendy's or Taco Bell, but only one item and don't be an idiot" and, "I would like to be stronger, so I will go to Boot Camp class every Monday until I can get all the way through without being cripplingly sore for days afterward." (For the workout resolution, there is room to grow. I can add Friday's class after I can get a grip on a once a week plan, then go on Wednesday too once I've got Friday's under control too. There is no "have to" involved.)

The small changes I have made, so far, have been working. I am making nearly all Breakfasts, Lunches, and Dinners Monday - Friday and am keeping my whits about me when I go out to eat. If I order something less healthy, I consciously eat less than I normally would unconsciously. I always need a box now, and that's serious progress for me. Also, I am choosing to take part in conversation over putting more food in my face, so that's helping too. The workout plan is going to take some time. I have been getting dizzy and losing my breath the last few times I have gone. I know it will get better when there is literally less of me to move around and I am going to make sure I eat an apple on the way to class from now on to see if a little healthy carbohydrate boost will help keep the spins at bay.

I have a long way to go... very long, but my logical side is still the boss and the scale is showing that small, lasting changes are an effective way to reach my goals. 

Now, I need to stop buying so many new clothes before I make my tailor a millionaire!

Ramble On,

Mel

On the Next Train

When I get on something I am ON it... until it gets hard.

I start playing video games and quit after the first few levels because it got really difficult to jump faster over the little turtles or avoid the poison gas while running up and down concrete blocks even though I know I will get tired of the simple puzzles and training modes at the beginning and never want to play.

I start organizing the excess junk in my closet or basement and quit when I get overwhelmed by the number of different categories everything falls into and how to get those items in the same place and just want to throw it all out, even though I know I will need one of those things in a matter of weeks and will save a lot of time and frustration if I know all of the doodads are in the blue tote and all of the widgets are in the green one.

I start a fitness routine and quit when it starts to make me sweaty or sore and complain or slightly exaggerate injury to avoid returning to the gym as long as I can until, eventually, I just stop altogether, even though I know staying on ramp (at the beginner's level) would get boring and that my body gets used to activities and movements and will not get stronger without pushing it harder.

I start making really healthy and good tasting meals at home and quit when it gets harder to make something different because you have to find the spices in the market, or mince the parsley yourself (fresh just tastes better, amiright?), or take time from watching TV to prep and package lunches even though I know I save money, have a way better understanding of what is in my food/body, and seem to just melt away in the first month of cooking at home compared to my clothes feeling gradually tighter when I go to restaurants for lunch or grab carry out for dinner each day.

I start writing blogs about my health goals and quit when I see the scale inching up because I don't want anyone that happens to read these to know specifics on how I failed this time, even though I know I would have been helped a lot to know what circumstances lead to me not getting in any better shape for my wedding when I had 10 months to prepare.

So I am just putting it all out there now. I welcome advice, warnings, suggestions and encouragement. I have always struggled with letting people be a part of my life and letting them see what is going on in my head. It was very important for me to think that other thought I was cool and in control, but I would like to change that. It's not to depend on anyone, but to feel the sense of community and support and to be okay with admitting I do not have everything in control.

Real quick brag before I go:
I am sticking with Monday Bootcamp and am only a little sore today. I also made all of my meals last week and am on track to do the same this week, and I made the most delicious breakfast bars ever, made pasta and pretzel bread from scratch to freeze to keep consumption in moderation, and made really good quinoa oatmeal that I portioned and froze to grab when there isn't time in the AM to cook eggs.

I'm going to update this each week so I can keep a record and make adjustments if I fall back into old patterns.


Ramble On,
Mel

2015...

Optimism does not come easy these days.

It is January 4th 2015 and I weigh more than I have ever weighed in my life. Shortly before the new year; I began a new marriage (I love you Bryan), a new job (Rain Marketing is awesone) and a new fitness regiment (bootcamp/crossfit kicks my ass)... despite all of that good, I still have made no permanent progress with my food addiction.

This year I will do my best to make only small and sustainable changes toward a healthy way of eating.

January goals:
Cook/make everything I eat Monday - Friday.
Attend every Monday bootcamp (add Wednesday when I am no longer sore after Monday's class).
Keep my head when eating out on Saturdays & Sundays.

I get tired of making these sweeping declarations only to feel the sting of failure when re-reading, so I'm keeping this short.

The Fat Bachelorette

I am the Fat Bachelorette... In roughly twelve days, I will be the Fat Bride.

There is a fine line that I am struggling to walk.
On one side is the need to see reality; that my weight is out of control and that it is time to drop the excuses and get this food addiction replaced with something more productive.
On the other side is the need to stop hating; judging, critiquing, assuming the worst of others and crying over what I have done to my body.
Neither of these extremes are doing me any favors and they often lead to a return to seeking comfort from food.

How do I get positive motivation without going back to the delusional part of my brain that didn't realize how much weight I have put on in the last 6 years? How do I love myself and my body without spiraling into a pit full of Doritos and chicken nuggets?

Maybe I'm not explaining myself clearly...

I had engagement photos taken a few weeks ago. Prior to this, I had not seen my body the way others see it. I had a relatively positive self image and, though I recognized areas that needed a lot of improvement, I generally liked what I saw in the mirror. I knew I was overweight and that I had a problem with using food as a means to deal with my problems, but I was going to get really into fitness, health, and juicing once the wedding was over. I'd change my lifestyle for the better when I no longer had to worry about a baggy wedding gown.

Then the proofs came back from the photographer... I hadn't seen the parts of my body in proportion to my other limbs let alone other objects. I knew I was larger that my fiance, but I didn't know my bottom was almost three times the size of his. I got very sad, and very depressed, and tried to avoid treating the sadness with Pringles and Combos by printing a small photo and putting it in a discreet, but visible to me, spot on my work desk with the caption, "no thanks, I don't want to go to the snack [bar]."

Then, the way I saw the photo changed... and it wasn't THAT bad... and Pringles are sooo good... it's okay to get a snack once in awhile... I'm going to get on track after the honeymoon, anyway...

Over the weekend I went out with my bridesmaids, mom, future mother in law, cousins and grandma to celebrate the last of my single days and I could not shut up that voice in my head that says, "you don't deserve a party fat girl" and "everyone thinks you look ridiculous" and "they are all thinking 'who would marry that?'".   Now, I know that I'm making these things up... and that the opinion of others should have nothing to do with my opinion of myself, but it's there in my head so it must be my opinion of myself... This has got to change. What did not help was seeing the pictures my mom took with her phone, and the video of when they took me up on stage at the dinner theater... and made me dance... I consider myself a funny person. Partly because I feel I need to be funny to be liked because of my weight, and partly because I have always been a silly kid... and I was funny on stage, but I couldn't allow myself to feel good that people laughed; I could only think, that they were laughing at me... and my big ass...

.......

In roughly twelve days, I will get into my size eighteen wedding gown and walk down the aisle to marry the best person I have ever met and I thank God for that. We will spend the evening sharing great food and music with friends, family, coworkers, and people our parents know, and I am so focused on how hot I am going to be and if I am going to look as sweaty as I will feel... The next day we will be going to a tropical island to celebrate making it through the chaos and nerves and being in the spotlight for seven wonderful days of all inclusive fun, and I'm worried that complete strangers might have something to say about my bathing suits, shorts, dresses, skirts...

None of this is helped by my very real back problems that are now a daily issue.

What do I do? How can I keep my head straight without falling to one side or the other? Both extremes lead to a Taco Bell binge, so I really need something to click in my head to keep me balanced on the line. Loving determination. Gentle perseverance. Encouraging logic.

No more excuses, no more potato chip dinners, no more lazy Sundays.

There is no perfect time to start, so how about now?

Now it is.