Taking a New Approach

I am Melissa. I'm from the suburbs of Detroit, but that's not what this is about.

I am in my 30's, have a husband named Bryan. We have no kids and are not sure if we want to be parents, but that's not what this is about

I work in an office. My coworkers are nice. We sometimes complain about our jobs, even though we all secretly like our jobs, but that's not what this is about.

What this IS about :

I am 100+ pounds overweight, and have carried it around for about 20 years. I want to lose weight to be healthier and more able to keep up with activities and sweat less at outdoor events in summer, but have a very hard time with being told what to do...

I have decided to be a better feminist and am working on my confidence. I aim to be better at asking for/and getting what I want and want to take a more active role in my life... 

I'm in search of the combination of personal growth needed for breaking out of what is expected of a fat woman, and still doing the best I can to take care of myself and my health. My biggest hurdle is feeling invisible, ignored, disregarded... Somewhere I learned the consensus is that my opinion doesn't matter as much as a man's or as much as women who are thinner and more fit. I have felt like other's cannot hear me when I speak because they don't see me... I blend into the background... weighing more than the average woman makes me feel less worthy of acknowledgment. My role in this is that I hide in corners, take up as little space as possible by folding my arms and legs, and I speak in low, mumbled, quiet tones...

These are huge issues to tackle worldwide, but it will take individuals taking action in their own minds and families and communities to work together to find a better way. So it starts with me, here, complaining about the "fitness" industry, "diets", and what the TV says I should be...

Welcome to my ramblings...

Ramble On...
-Mel

Well... THAT was a bad idea.

Nope... can't give myself carte blanche... cannot be trusted.

Not waiting for a certain date or for a certain holiday to pass... getting this under control NOW...

I'm only 5' 2"... I can't carry all of this. How I'm not being rolled from room to room ala Violet Beauregard is beyond me, but it is very close on the horizon... How could it take this long for me to be sick of being sick? (like nausea from eating GARBAGE...)

Self Control... Is Just Controlling Myself...

So... I just read this post about thought control regarding food and I could probably smack my forehead for not thinking this way before.

I've been on one diet or another for about... forever and there has always been some limit I was trying to stick to, whether it be no grains, no meat, no sugar, or not too many calories... 

I don't think I have ever said I could have anything I wanted just to see what happens... just to see if telling myself there are no limits would switch off whatever it is in my brain that was switched on when my parents told me to get away from the snacks one holiday when I was 10 and I started hiding food in my room and binging in secret... a habit I still have to this day. 

My 10 year old brain made a decision that being seen indulging in a treat meant getting in trouble, so, along with other stigmas I picked up along the way, I began to hide and eat. I do this now when I have food in the car... I don't chew when I'm at a stop light and other people could be looking around and see me... as if I think the calories don't count if no one sees...

So, I made a plan for Lent and I think I'm going to change it based on the post linked above... just to see... when I trust myself to stop when I'm satisfied, will I actually stop?


It's been this long, what's another 4-5 weeks? :)

Whole30 Day 30 Every planet has its own weird customs. Some people juggle geese!

I made it!!! Day 30 of another successful Whole30!!!

Now, I need to keep this way of eating going... This was not hard... the first few days were challenging, but once things were rolling, I had little issue keeping up the pace.

I've got to stick to this breakthrough and not let go of it... not again...

I wasn't always a chubby girl. In fact, I used to be "tiny", "petite", "Smurfette"...

I had little sticks for legs and had (and still have) noticeably dainty hands and feet... so, naturally all I wanted in the whole world was to be big. I wanted to be tall and have boobs and be popular... and now... 

Now, my one wish is to be small again. Not just for the change in tough choices going back to "jungle gym or swings?", but literally... 

I would sit with my hands folded and hunch my shoulders over to appear to be smaller... or bring my knees into my chest and put my head down so I was invisible in my mind. This posture has led me down a road of feeling less than acceptable as a body (or a personality). 

I don't want anyone to see how big I am. 

There are a couple of problems right there. 

1. Why do I care about what others think? 
• Was middle school that scarring that I think some stranger at a bar is going to come up to me, point at my stomach, and ask loud enough for the whole place to hear if I want some butter to go with my rolls?!?!?
2. Even if someone did say something audibly enough for me to hear it, intentionally or otherwise, why is their opinion more important to me that my own?
• When did I decide that someone that does not know me is more qualified to judge me than I am? Perhaps, it is because I think a stranger is more likely to be honest than a friend or my husband... but that makes little sense the more I think about it.

I am accepting the likelihood that affirmations could be a big help to me to get through the roadblocks I face each day, therefore, I am going to start giving myself some love Stuart Smalley style...

Daily Affirmation

So-

I am good enough

I am smart enough

and doggone it, people like me!

... er... maybe I'll make up my own?

I love myself unconditionally...

I'm stronger today, than I was yesterday; and tomorrow, I'll be stronger still...

I deserve good things...

Now for records...

Food:

Lunch-
Big Salad w/Roast Turkey & Olives

Dinner-

Grilled Chicken w/Roasted Potatoes & Salad

Stats:

Starting Line-

Whole30 Day 1 - 254 lbs

254 lbs
Size 20 jeans 
Constant back pain
Regular heartburn and belching
Pressure headaches nearly everyday
Always tired
Knees clicking going up stairs
Exercise induced asthma





Finish Line-

Whole30 Day 31 - 239 lbs

239 lbs
Size 18 jeans getting loose
Occasional, mild back ache
No heartburn 
No headaches 
Rarely tired and sleep more soundly
Rosacea clearing up
Knees still clicking going up stairs, but not as loud

Ramble on...

Whole30 Day 29 Get you close enough to ring the doorbell.

Sometimes I feel like I just repeat myself here. Like, how excited I am that the Whole30 is ending, and how proud I am of myself for sticking to it, and how great I feel, and how much better my clothes fit... Those are the things on my mind now though, so I can't help but shout from the mountain top and enjoy the echo. 

I found my old pictures. I thought I lost a ton of  pictures I had on my old digital camera and I was so upset, because these pictures were from a time way before I met Bryan... back when I first lost a bunch of weight (I got down to 192), started internet dating (so many selfies!) and moved into my first flat (in Royal Oak)...

I remember thinking I was still so fat, so ugly... I was not... I was curvy, but super cute... What adventures did I deny myself because I had such a poor image of myself in my mind?

I also found old pictures of myself chronicling my ascent to the weight I currently record... 

Then I got my first iPhone which captured the pictures I've had safely on my drive for years... these photos show meeting and starting to date Bryan... and the resulting 15 lbs I put on in our 4 year courtship before our wedding.

I am sad that my wedding pictures will never look as good as I wanted them to because I couldn't get myself to take this approach when we got engaged in December 2013... or even this time last year... but I do feel lucky to have some pretty amazing "before" shots :)

So many of those photos are of sad men and women missing out on life, but mine are of me and my favorite person being so happy and in love and dressed up all pretty like... I love it! When I get to where I'm going size-wise, I think I want to see if I can get my dress altered and have anniversary pictures taken...

Hey, look at that, I found something new to talk about after all...



Lunch-
Steak & Asparagus Frittata w/Roasted Potatoes & Carrot Sticks

Dinner-
Salmon Garden Salad 



Ramble On...

Whole30 Day 28 It's okay, I'm a leaf on the wind!.

Apple slices with almond butter, black coffee, broiled flank steak, roasted cauliflower... 

All of these things sounded just okay before. 

I'd have preferred toast and peanut butter, iced coffee with cream and artificial sweetener, a cheese burger and fries...

Now, it's just how I eat, it's the top of the list of things I like. 

I'd still rather have ranch dressing than oil & vinegar, so I'll have the ranch, in moderation. If it makes chomping down a bunch of leafy greens and veggies so much more pleasant, it is a worthy concession to make. 

And I'll still use cheese and breadcrumbs in my cooking on occasion, but only when the flavor is better enhanced with those ingredients than with the suggested Paleo substitutes.

Last night I was thinking how I could make a meal plan and allow pizza once a month, and cheeseburgers w/fries, and giant burritos from Chipotle, and I got to a point where the spiral was rolling on and on and filling up all of my meal slots... and then I realized... 

My next big hurdle isn't my weight loss goal or the ability to cross my legs when seated; it's not having to plan every meal ahead of time so that no huge detours get in my way. 

This one will take time, and other milestones will be reached along the way, but the moment I feel that I have been unconsciously choosing healthy meals over fast and easy garbage food... that's when I know I've broken the cycle... and I know I'm well on my way.

Two more days until results!



Lunch-
Cherry Pecan Salad w/Grilled Steak & Blue Cheese Dressing

Dinner-
Chopped Steak w/Burnt Onions & Bacon, Broccoli & Roasted Cauliflower



Ramble On...

Whole30 Day 27 It's always a hoot, and we don't all die from it.

I can't believe I have come this far... Maybe it's the time of year, because the last time I made it through to the end was in the fall, but I'm so glad I could get myself to this point.

Yes, there are three more days to get through... and I know this is not the end of Paleo, or even super strict Paleo for me, but I'm so proud of myself I could just burst.

I had been feeling kinda bloated and icky for a couple days and was starting to lose focus on the purpose of the challenge and obsess over the weight loss part, but I woke up this morning feeling a lot better, so I'll chalk all of that up to having been so sick for the last week and my body retaining water in self defense... 

Not that the weight loss thing isn't major, but I really try to make sure I don't make that the point of this. I needed a serious overhaul to my relationship with food in order to make permanent changes that will make a healthy life come naturally. I got so tired of the struggle, and the fads, and crash diets, and meetings, and money, and pills, and drops, and gimmicks...
My brother is coming over for dinner tonight. I haven't seen him in a good long while so I'm kinda hoping he'll notice how much I have lost... though he is a guy, so he probably wouldn't notice unless I was suddenly a size zero... and on fire... :)



Lunch-
Fajita Chicken w/Peppers & Avocado
Dinner-
Grilled Sesame Chicken w/Carrots & Peppers



Ramble On...